Birth Story: Haven Rosemary

My baby came nine days overdue. I was in various states of prelabor for at least 7 of those days. The day after my due date I woke up with mild contractions every 10 minutes and even went so far as to call my midwife. I fell back asleep and woke up with nothing. Very disappointing. I continued to have daily contractions all week, but they added up to nothing. The following Saturday night I had contractions that were coming about 10 minutes apart again, and they hurt and kept me up until 3am when I fell asleep. At 5:30am I awoke, they were gone and I got downright depressed. I really wanted my baby!
Sunday night we started timing my contractions at about 8pm. They were 6-10 minutes apart by 10pm (and painful) and continued in this fashion until I went to the birth center the next day. I slept from about 3am to 9am, sitting on the couch and waking up and leaning forward to cope with the pain for each contraction. I guess you could call it sleep...
My midwife, Winnie, came to see me in the morning and gave me a homeopathic remedy to get my labor going. She assured me we would have the baby today, and warned me to try and preserve my strength. She called in the afternoon and we agreed to meet at the birth center at 4pm. This time worked out perfectly, right as we were leaving my contractions were starting to get quite painful.
Once at the birth center I immediately got naked and got in the birthing tub. IT FELT GREAT. I high recommend laboring women to be in water, it made the pain of my contractions fade, while my labor kicked right into gear. I was in the tub for a few hours laboring my cervix open. I would describe this stage of labor as more intense than painful. Sure it hurt, but it was more like my body was filled with an incredible level of intensity that I had never really experienced before. My calves got charley horses and I had to keep my feet flexed. My lips curled back. My arms and hands became completely stiff and I was unable to relax them. I had to make and release fists to keep them from being too painful and gnarled. I had to focus on deep breathing because my arms and hands were also going numb from a lack of oxygen. My eyes stayed mostly closed, and I had Wm get in the tub with me to rub my calves so they would stop cramping. I was in labor la la land, some other plane of reality, I was on the moon. Then suddenly I threw up. (Note: cinnamon toast is much like bananas in that it tastes just as good coming up as it did going down.) After I threw up I snapped back to life, my contractions subsided, I was able to sit up for the first time in hours and I ate the best damn popsicle I've ever eaten ever. I got out of the tub and the midwife checked me, about 8 cm dialated. I had about a 20 minute slight break where my contractions subsided some and I was able to rest a little before my body went into transition.
Transition is the last stage before pushing when your cervix dialates those last few painful centimeters. It is the most painful part of labor. Let me tell you, it FUCKING HURT. Did I mention it was painful? I was screaming. I felt bad for Wm and my mom because I know how hard it is for you to want to help someone you love who is in so much pain and there is nothing you can do. It was at this time that I begged for the process to be over. I wondered what the hell I was thinking, natural childbirth, no drugs, pshaw... this really hurt. This was excruciating, luckily I was able to completely relax between contractions. My pelvis was starting to really hurt too.
So pushing comes next, right? When it came time for me to push I was unable due to a small amount of cervix still stuck over the baby's head. Winnie tried to reach in while I was pushing and move it back, but that was far to excruciating for me to handle, I was unable to hold still for it. She said the baby was coming down at a slightly off angle, and the cervix was held up on the soft spot of her head. With the push back method not working, Winnie said she'd give me an hour to try pushing then we'd have to go to the hospital. Our only other option for success was to try different positions, which we did. I tried hanging from the ceiling, hands and knees, and what finally worked was the birthing stool.
At this point Wm was sitting across the room with his arms folded, clearly upset with me. Winnie said the baby wouldn't come with the mom and dad not getting along so she and my mom left the room and Wm and I had a talk. It was more of a pep talk on Wm's part, he was frustrated with me because he didn't feel I was doing what the midwife wanted. I tried to explain to him the limits of what I was able to do, and he gave me a good pep talk about bucking up and doing what needed to be done. I went down for a push and we both felt her head. I could feel her long hair. We got ready to do this together, and he held me up for the rest of the birthing process.
So the birthing stool really worked. I was able to really push for the first time. The pushing contractions hurt really REALLY bad, but only if I wasn't pushing. As long as I pushed with all my might, it just felt like trying to take the dump of a lifetime. I was really good at pushing. I could tell by what it felt like to me, and everyone in attendance was exclaiming over what I was doing. The pushing felt like it came in three levels. I would start to push, then push harder, then the entire core of my body would be exerting. I felt like the baby might shoot across the room. I could feel the pressure all the way to the tips of my ears. When the baby was ready to come Winnie had me get up on the bed, as the stool wasn't good for the actual birth. We started with me on my back, with my mom and Wm each holding up one of my legs. At this point I was too exhausted to waste energy on anything but the pushing. This wasn't working to our satisfaction, and we decided to use gravity to help pull the baby out. Wm lifted me into a squatting position and held me there while I gave birth to our daughter.
Only it wasn't quite that easy. Apparently I have a perineum of steel. Winnie says she's seen nothing quite like it. My perineum is a half an inch thick. Usually during labor it thins, effaces and kind of gets out of the way. Nothin doin when you've got a perineum of steel. So I had to be cut. Winnie cut me a little in hopes that it would start a tear. Nothin doin with a perineum of steel. So she had to keep cutting me until the baby came out. At this point Wm was starting to get scared that the baby might die- they kept checking her heart rate and that freaked him out. His pleas were starting to border on desperate "PUSH Heidi! Do it for our baby!!!!" Because of my previous birth attending experience I knew my baby's heart rate wasn't going very low at all, so I wasn't worried. My baby is strong, she has been from her first kicks.
At the very end there were four hands and a baby in my vagina. They were still yelling at me to push. PUSH WHAT??!?!? There were four hands and a baby in my vagina! On the third to the last push I remember asking if I was even still alive. That push felt like it should have gotten the baby out. It took two more. Then finally it was over. Kind of.
Of course once the baby was out all attention was on her. She needed rubbed and demucousified and hell, suddenly there was a baby in the room. My cuts were killing me though, and I just remember laying there asking over and over for an ice pack or something. Then I had to birth the placenta. I was lucky- it came easily on the first contraction I had after the baby was out. Boy it sure is easier giving birth to things without bones, let me tell ya. Then I had to be stitched up. That hurt like a bitch too. I don't know how many stitches I got, but they still hurt. One nice thing about wearing a mattress in your pants, besides it's amazing ability to absorb the flows of blood, is that it cushions your sore stitches. yee. haw.
So Haven entered the world at 11:55pm on June 19, a mere five minutes later and she would have been born on our wedding anniversary. We all cried when she came out. I had my eyes closed but it felt amazing to have her finally slide through. Wm held us both, and in an instant we became a family. At the time I was beside myself. In retrospect it was a truly beautiful moment.
Sharon (Winnies assistant) had brought some chocolate cake, so we ate birthday cake to celebrate Haven's first birthday. My baby cried while they stitched me and rubbed her, until we were finally able to breastfeed. It turns out breastfeeding is also painful (at least now) but it is also quite amazing. I've been around lots of babies, but when I breastfeed this baby is truly mine. I have a baby! Still hard to believe...
Winnie's been a midwife for 30 years, and she said mine was the hardest labor she's seen in a long time. There is something reassuring about that. Natural childbirth is my way and I am proud of myself. But while I was in it I was singing a different tune, it was the largest challenge I have ever faced in my life. I started to wonder if I had really thought things through. I wanted nothing more than for it to be over. Or at least for a break so I could take a nap!Thank god it was only one day. And now I have a baby! A really sweet good cute wonderful little bundle of sweet sweet love! So though it is hard for me to make the connection between what I went through yesterday, and this wonderful baby, I guess in the end it was all worth it. And hot damn does it feel good to not be pregnant!

Dear September

Dear September,
What is up with you? There are big spiders everywhere. I thought I would like your warm days, and I do..... BUT JEEZ with the spiders. Is there really REALLY any possible way to try and prolong summer sunshine without the threat of fall building webs everywhere you look?

Love is a drainage ditch

you've fallen into
you thought the water felt nice
you thought you'd stay
just for a moment
to see how it felt
and the next thing you knew
that moment turned into a few
days and then weeks
and pretty soon
you lost legs for the land
you forgot how to stand
you decided the ditch
was just plain grand
but what the hell are you to do
when the sun the drainage dries
and dusty buzzing with lies
you are left with the shadows
of your dreams
and the turkey buzzards circling above
laugh while you die
all because of love.

written summer 2003
I find this poem HILARIOUS